Overall, I think that I am both happy and sad with this semester. As always, things did not turn out as planned. But, there's nothing we can really do about that except try to do the things that make us happy.
For the first time in college, I have some wonderful grades this semester. After struggling for three years, I think my time has finally come. Now that I've actually figured out what I want to do...or at least the direction I want to go...I am excited to work towards it. I think that is really important. But, at the same time, I'm also hesitant to do anything. I don't want to grow up. I never have. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Then I look around and realize that everyone else feels pretty much the same way on the inside, and comparing yourself to other people's outsides will do nothing but make you feel worse.
I've been inside of my head quite a bit this semester. With friends coming and going in and out of the country to study abroad, my social interaction has been lacking. Once again, good and bad. I've found that I need to push myself to be social, and if I am not social, I start to pull back, making it harder to be more social. It seems like a Catch-22...I need social interaction to be more socially active.
You know, it's really hard being in college as a student who has lost a parent. Not just during certain times of the year, but all of the time. Every day. I feel like that is something not many people understand unless you have been personally affected by it. If I see you with a parent, I think about the one that is not here. If I don't do well on a test, I talk to the parent that isn't here. If I had a great run, I talk to the parent that isn't here. See what I'm getting at? Let me tell you, it can get exhausting constantly having one sided conversations. You start to feel crazy after a while. Most people think that after 7 years I would be okay, "back to normal," or, how I sometimes think about it, "smart again." But there are days, weeks, even months that I lose my concentration, I can't look up from the sidewalk, or even send back a text message. That in itself is enough to make me want to stop going to school, and on top of that people expect me to participate? They really expect me to go to a club or event every week to see people who I have no interest in talking to when I feel upset? College is hard.
College is hard for everyone. I've tried different things in college. Joined the crew team, was an engineer, changed majors, added a second major, tried out for a lot of things, and was denied for a lot of those things, if not every single one of them. That's another thing that really ticks me off. My GPA in college is definitely not a representation of the student that I actually am. I know the material that I learn in class, but sometimes I forget something on a test. Or I don't do well in a class because I am worried about my grandmother, or I was thinking about my dad for an especially long time. I like to learn, but I'm not sure the school system is for me. Here they only take into account what you can write on a piece of paper rather than how much effort you actually put into learning the material. I love spewing facts about random things that I picked up throughout the day, or something that I learned in my textbook. That doesn't mean I should have a GPA that doesn't qualify me to join a club. Of course, based on my thoughts from above, I'm not even sure I would attend said club if I got in.
I guess that all you can really do is try. There is a french quote that I love:
L'important c'est d'essayer
it means "the importance is in trying." That has been my motto for the past few weeks. No matter what happens with school or life or anything, the best and brightest thing you can do is try. Honestly, you are going to be just fine with anything that happens. Failing a test, getting a bad grade, not making the team, you will still be able to say that you gave it your best shot, it's not the end of the world. Let's face it, grades do not matter that much.
I just want to keep trying. I want to push myself to run a marathon one day. I want to get better. Better in every aspect. Better at being optimistic and better at talking and better at learning. Better at running and better at art. I want to make my own movies and I want to learn a new language and read so many books. Maybe even write my own book. (emphasis on the maybe for that one...) Whatever I do, I just have to keep going. You should too. It's human nature to want things, and if you take anything away from this, it is to just keep trying.
That's what I'm going to do, so bring it on.
Here's a video that I made to inspire myself, it has all of my favorite inspirations: The Olympics, Harry Potter, and Disney. I hope it inspires you too!
Check it out: https://vimeo.com/123873657
That's Life.
